Summarizing today’s Red Eye Headlines so you don’t have to:
- Paula Abdul looked confused last night on American Idol. Muttered! Stumbled! Is it drugs? Booze? Is she crazy? Are we crazy? What is reality? If the words we use to describe experience can be denuded of sense, can experience itself be erased? Good thing Ryan Seacrest was there to make everything less awkward! What a lifesaver.
- Is Knut the polar bear a homosexual? Does he have a weight problem? He looks like he has a weight problem. You know my cousin Arnie was pretty chubby too. Turns out he was eating because he was stressed out. About being gay. Does Knut have the same problem? Do genders have an essential nature as opposed to differing by a variety of accidental or contingent features brought about by social forces?! Only Knut knows, and he’s not saying knut-thing.
- Hey, aren’t we at war? Wait, actually– don’t worry about it.
- Photo Gallery: Look at these people. We got pictures. In some pictures they are young. Now they are old. Old, old, old. God, I hope you never get old. It won’t end well, I can tell you that much.
- We are hip. We are very hip. This newspaper is for hip people only. Don’t you want to be hip too?
- Remember Ashley Dupre? No? We’re going to remind you. Every day. She was in “Girls Gone Wild.” Remember that. It could save your life one day. Also, Spitzer slept around. Spitzer Spitzer Spitzer. Sex sex sex.











